Written 2024
All untitled
driving with you in the car, it started to snow
took the wrong turn off of the highway
saw the trees through your window and the wind going through
blew through me like i wasn’t even there
skin and bones, seven held tones
waiting for you to come back home
knowing soon this will all fall through my hands
waking up in the middle of the night
i will do this for the rest of my life
=====================================
i think about the cold morning
hours spent alone, outdated academia
summer turning to fall, fall turning to winter
and the leaves blowing everywhere whenever i go outside
i think about black cats inside my house
harvest moon outside my window
lines arcing across empty mathematical space on discolored paper
grey stone architecture, cold this time of year
i think about calories and skinny arms
nature trails, worn informative signs
identification of ephemera
i think about black fur and how nice it feels to drift in and out of sleep
wind chimes and winter storms
raining again, never not raining
dust over everything like a blanket
worn soft and smooth with a hole down the side
going to the library to fall asleep
vague memories of the backseat of a van, high school backpacks
suburban garage, notebooks, quiet
how strangely nice you were to me
why were you nice to me?
i think about you all the time
===================================
british radars and coastal driftings
trains in fog, already gone
vacant spaces, industial sectors
the places i drive my car and sit
to think about the way your hair falls
and the thoughts that go through your head
and mutual desperation for affection
and how much i know i'd let you down
unpainted walls and neatly maintained abandoned sidewalks
antennae, radio dishes, signs listing technical specifications
a late summer treeline overlooking a stretch of highway
and the sprawling arcologies that feel like home when i look at them from a distance
electrical systems and data networks
sleeping like a moss garden, server humming in slumber
company buildings, sleek and sterile, visions of metrosong perfection
black mirrors of glass reflecting trees and cloud cover
it's felt like rain all day
i'll go home dreaming again
============================================
your secrets nurtured, your memories fading into grey comfort; fenrir bleeds all the same.
group hallucinations of trembling claws we'd be honored to be cut down by; unsaid whispers
of mutual martyrdom, sacrifices on arbitrary altars. protruding ribs arc in vague promises
that cannot be captured in anything other than nested allusions that ultimately fail to capture
anything of the inner wholeness and outer threadbareness that belies every secret daydream
of brushing shoulders and warmth in hypothermia.
i don't think there's a coherent way to tell
someone that they are curled at the center of your lifelong desperation for quiet silent worlds
of eternal predawn frost; that in your head i'm already a ghost watching the sunset on the first
day of winter and you're an inhuman silhouette watching from the treeline. old friends, austere
ideals of self-sacrifice and honor, of martyrdom of kindness, and how somewhere beyond the glow
of fairy lights and the sussurus of snow falling outside lies ourselves as changelings, puer aeterni
gaily prancing to holy destruction. i'd cherish your knife in my back and the tender gnaw of frost,
slowly giving way to fading warmth.
cat drawn in snow
いつも落ちる
please verify you were once human
i would like to lay on the floor and listen to the rain with you one day
muted quiet over everything autumn leaves and raindrops on windowpane
creaking empty old house aching bones old worn out blankets and hardwood floorboards
forever grey cold foggy tired day
empty days getting longer, silence
faint signal whispering behind the static, holding on forever
if you want to hurt me i would let you
sacrificial lamb
i love my grey hearted boy
internet ghost in eternal empty bedroom
and creaking empty old house,
aching paws skitting around my own silent home.
old worn out blankets and hardwood floorboards
grey cold foggy tired day forever.
skin and bones staring into faint outlines
in tv static and falling falling falling.
the house settles at night
Bus stops
Public transport
Bike rides to work
Things that feel like memories but aren’t
Internet friends
Empty house
Movement out of the corner of my eye
Falling asleep on the floor
Quiet waking hours
Heartstrings like windchimes, susurrus
=============================================
becoming a ghost before you die
faceless figures in the background; published on youtube, 2 views
choppy cctv footage; large dog on hind legs enters empty church, kneels, is seen crying
plague masked following crowd in mall. you didn't see it but it looked at you once
blurry iphone videos; unknown origin, unknown location. grey stone and flash lighting
google maps artifacts
deleted threads
abandoned accounts
questions forever unanswered
living in the quiet greyness of a world that ended a long time ago
paws skitting around my own silent home
moving in choppy stop motion in real life, peaking around the corner
flickering signals, soft black fur
movement out of the corner of my eye, prancing vision limbs too long
missing time, scrawled messages forgotten
faint outlines on tv
a door to a room you've never been in before in your own hallway that you've seen again and again in your dreams
just the old house settling, just the old house settling
you have an unread message
radio towers sing you to sleep
i’ll hold my blade close enough to cut my palms to pieces
and i’ll never say a word to you or anyone about it
if you ask I think i’d dodge the question
but I won’t forget it
_______________________________________________________________________
Written 2022
All untitled
chasing autumn leaves as they fall from the trees above
i don't want to live in a world without warm hugs
i never even got to say goodbye
you blushed at every i love you i said
halo and hearts spinning round your head
i know you're watching on from up on high
come home to my heart
(___)
____
_\___ \ |\_/|
\ \ \/ , , \ ___
\__ \ \ ="= //|||\
|=== \/____)_)||||
\______| | |||||
_/_| | | =====
(_/ \_)_)
_________________
( _)
(__ ' )
(___ _____)
'--'
don't know what i see or what i mean
matrix code encircling refererences that i don't get
prefixes and epithets
see a scrambled static cover
third dimension starts to falter
like a tidy stream of water
flowing straight under the window (winter tinder)
doesn't matter, doesn't matter
need a rest
===============================================
i delved into dreams weak as smoke rings
upon my unmade bed from a streetlight shining
and those kaleidoscopic windows a thick december fog
crying, he stares at the sky
my only love is worlds away
when i whisper to you the voices go quiet
winter rain freezing on window panes
cold and nameless void
grey and endless winter
and above
sheets of fog like blankets on a cold day
moonswept rainbled all washed away
everloved deliriant hugs
_______________________________________________________________________
Written 2019-2020, ages 15-16
All untitled
when the soul eater comes for me, i won't be denying anything
a feather to the sky is all in my wake
do or don't just look back down for my sake
when the linkrot comes for me, i won't be scrambling to get away
the answer's already clear at this point
who cares
death the second, birth the third
it's for the worst
who cares
we're sparks we're gone we're eaten
failed the scales
and the angels will come 《 nibiru 2012 》 you saw the lights
so long as we're here
and so long as we're lonely
grey clouds freeze and fall
start small get smaller
keyboard covered in moss
☆☆☆climb the cell phone tower and see the lights through the coverup☆☆☆
skin and bones
lying touchtones
the fae folk took us
who cares who cares
the moon will follow you home anyway
==============================
glimpse over the edge
suns below and stars around it like a halo
wisps of clouds hesitant to even exist
look up and see the moon broken, bleeding, a dying cell
light spreading in a web across the heavens
i'm falling backwards and that's okay
i feel my heart beating for the first time in weeks
the electricity turning back on on a darkened city
but no one's home
stared into the static too long, i guess
what does it matter now?
is this is what you would want to me to do?
is this is what you would want to me to say?
i'm just glad you're happy wherever you are
==============================
endless words skittering
hawk at night sky
artificial dna synthesis
urban buildings like black mirrors
hand pressed up against the backside of the screen
pixelated and compressed
data storage
server hum wolf howls
last login never
==============================
you see it coming closer to your life
its in your dreams its in your lungs its in your skin
you see its eyes echo out into the night (they look like cat eyes)
i'm the internet friend you haven't talked to in ages
a spam call you get and there's just silence on the other side
theres a third floor in this building and you know it
you can't see it from the outside but its here and i
want you to come in it and meet me face to face for the first time
eye to eye not key to key but i can tell that your scared
theres tears of sweat all in your hair
but i don't care, it's ok, you'll understand when you see me
for the first time not the last time and you have an unread message
you see it coming closer it's your life
and its your dreams and it's your lungs your skin is soft
you see my eyes echo out into the night (they look like cameras)
i'm the internet friend you haven't talked to in ages
a spam call you get and there's just silence on the other side
theres a third floor in this building and you know it
you can't see it from the outside but its here and i
want you to come in it and meet me face to face
5 8 y 7 8 d
hikikomori
==============================
hyperdeath drifts right by
to the sky amen ra
failed the scales see you there
corner eye streetside cairo
google maps understood?
ascii summon twenty twelve
fell asleep (sleepless dream)
see the streetlights
stand beneath
hand reaches out
accounts long dead usenet confusion
forgotten bots dragons tired beyond words
trying to hold something together as it shakes itself apart
broken links incomplete archives jpeg artifacts
who are you? halloween unknown
npcs broken servers it's lonely here
miss u soulseek rooms .net
honest mistakes mp3.com txt collections
we wish you no harm
internet friends years ago last online
a kind of hollow feeling a kind of hollow feeling a kind of hollow feeling
i should have been a pair of ragged claws
scuttling across the floors of silent seas
lights i see you beneath
streetlights in the middle of the night
middle of nowhere anonomyous buildings
in nameless places like darkened screens
walking liminal i love you
chill wind though our hair i reach out
and my hand closes on void
i stand alone on an empty overpass
and feel your hand in mine
==============================
sleep 20 hours a day
curled up by the fireplace
it won't stop raining
it won't stop raining
i'll never go outside
i'll hide in the bedroom
i think i'll haunt this place
i think i'll haunt this place
the moss is growing
over the windows
but i'll be okay
but i'll be okay
can't see thru the mist
sleep 20 hours a day
i think i'll haunt this place
i think i'll haunt this place
cat skull
==============================
i don't see what else there is left to do
beneath the gentle hug of a collapsing sky
stars are all the more beautiful before they burn out
feeling okay forever
a hollow static feeling in the mirror
it’s raining again
see you sometime, i guess
自己憎悪
==============================
Saturday, July 11, 2020, 10:40:58 AM
a vast, cool, and dark place, somewhat like a garden, somewhat like moss, somewhat like a maze, covered in fog,
a dusk that never falls into night and a dawn that never falls into day, a sleepy eternal place
Snow falling through parting mists
A distant house atop a hill
Can barely see it in the dark
I'm gonna die here
I must say it's been getting cold out, wouldn't you?
==============================
i didn't know there were so many world inside ur head
living and decaying and spiralling downwards
until all that's left is a vague frustration
and you don't even know who it's about
i can't tell if i was too much or too little
but something went wrong somewhere and i guess that happens
either way you died in my dreams
and i still feel kinda bad about that honestly
sounds of the rain outside as we fall asleep together
i wait for you to come online but you never do
it's best if you just forget about me, okay?
==============================
For we are the baseboard and the floormat
the quiet implied "No, thank you"
the silent brewing neutrality
half full of apathy
An empty room in a home
A life lived alone
An abandoned server humming away
Our night won't give to the dawn of day
For the night is cold and calm
For the dark is quiet and still
For the birds are not awoken
And the mushrooms rise unimpeded
and decay gives way to hollow things
and hollow things sway wordlessly
and nothing is said for there is nothing to say
and nothing is done for there is nothing to do
And it is beautiful for there is no one to break the silence
is eternal for no sun disturbs the fog
is meaningless for what use is meaning with no eye to concieve
with no mouth to express
with no hands to appropriate and harvest
no use to see or eat
naught but haunt
(and haunted it is)
By the ghosts of the dead accounts
By words they shall not say
The stillness is sacred lest they breach the fog
And the silence is a comfort and why do such a thing?
is early morning rain
is the glow of a computer screen
==============================
wings unfurl as all that's left is collapse emminent
starflight spirals forever and ever past hollow blazes of glory hindsight fading
nothing left